In the deep blue sea
The ocean moves like a majestic queen
As the water stokes the boats and ships get pulled with it
Like a sapphire
the ocean smiles at me
As I hold my breath I see the the fishes flying around
The sharks relaxing
The calm,peaceful sounds that the whales make
The ocean is like liquid syrup
I started to glare and stare at the clown fish which where making love with each other
This is life. This is today
July 8, 2013 at 10:22 am
Well done Adam you have used 3 types of poetic devices metaphor, personification and rhyming
July 8, 2013 at 10:23 am
And by doing that this will balance the poem and not turn it in to child’s play
July 8, 2013 at 10:25 am
Thanks for letting me read your work it is
A great peace.I like it because it makes sense
And there are a good amount of words what
I haven’t heard of . I also like
It because i like the sea thanks again
For letting me read
July 8, 2013 at 10:28 am
I found this good because you are talking about water and the creature in the first two line was really good because you are using personification and metaphor ryming like a children book which will get children happy I’m happy with your work Adam but I’m confused are you a fish or something
Excellent # # # # # # # # # 910
I loved it
July 8, 2013 at 10:30 am
I think your poem is good because you have used personification when your describing the ocean to improve it I think you should use commas and full stops
July 8, 2013 at 10:30 am
And Adam I have to say you have no bad comments from me score
10
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10
July 8, 2013 at 10:33 am
Adam,
This poem is very evocative. It transports me directly to the sea and delivers me to the experience of floating serenely on the surface.
I love the enjambment here:
I wonder if you might want to investigate this line for improvement:
Somehow the image of golden syrup is in conflict with the idea of the water being sapphire blue. Also, the simile seems to be a little clumsy – had you thought of developing it into a metaphor. Maybe the water could BE syrup!
Let me know what you think.
Mr Waugh